Mid-Deployment Status

Every deployment is different.

Different lengths.  Different circumstances at home. Different strengths of relationship before deployment. Different number of children back home to care for!

I feel that I have matured dramatically for this time of separation.  My kids do keep things moving around here, that is for sure.  There is usually one crying at every given moment, one begging for something to eat, and one getting into mischief while I am trying to address the other two.  I am trying desperately to wait a beat before I react to anything the kids do, or ask, or say.  I have never had much patience, but that is the lesson for this deployment.

I've been told by a dear, dear friend that I am so much better now with three children than I was with just one.  I took that as a compliment. I did not look at it as saying, "Man, Stac, you were a psycho mom when Madelyn was a baby!" Honestly, I thought I was much worse, with patience, now.

And those who say, "Well, you are staying with your mom, so you have all the help in the world. Life is easy for you." Well, prepare yourself for an earful if that is your thought, as well. My mom does not sit around all day with nothing to do. She does have a job, volunteers at the hospital, and has a yard, garden, and cattle to tend to.

Yes! My mom is a blessing. Her David is a Godsend. They are glorious together, and do help me immensely.  But, I am not sitting here all day while they are taking care of my children. I am still their mother. I am just not paying for groceries at the moment. :)

I have tremendous guilt, living here, however. Any grown adult would, if you think about it. Our lifestyle has led me to living with my folks at the ripe age of thirty-two.  I lived with Jay's folks for three months last year. I feel like we live out of boxes, and are practically nomads. I miss my bed, and my life with my family. It was my 'normal'. I like to think that anyone gets antsy to 'go home' even after a few weeks of being away.  I just didn't feel safe there, being alone with the girls.

The guilt stems from the feeling that people are starting to look at me like I am a free-loader.  I do my best to earn my keep. I had kept the dishes washed and put away. I had made sure the laundry hamper was never full. I vacuumed, swept, and mopped the floors on a regular basis. I had even dusted the house a few times.  I am using the verb 'had' heavily.  Now that the sun has been shining and the temps are above seventy degrees, I have been spending more time outside than I have on chores.  But, I still have the best of intentions.

I feel guilt over bitterness that I harbor.  I see parents working as a team, as a single unit. I see them at Wal-Mart with their kids shopping for groceries. I see one buckling the children into the vehicle as the other loads their bags into the back. I run into them in the aisle debating a purchase of a carseat, or in the grocery section talking about what to have for supper. I hate to admit that it makes me turn around and go another way when I see that. What makes me feel even worse is the fact that I am aware of the behavior that I am exhibiting. I am not in denial. I should be able to fix it, and move on.  But, I can't.

I miss hugs from my husband. My brother gives great hugs. I always run up to him for one when I see him.  My step-brothers are generous with them, too. And, so is David. But, I miss that special hug that only your spouse can give you.  I miss that human contact. I know, in my heart, that Jay misses it, too.  It is just something that can not be duplicated.

Jay has a PS3 available to him, now. So I know he is feeling better at his camp than his last one.  But, I have our three girls. So, I think that I win on that one. I am hoping that I can contain the sense of urgency I have about going home.  Jay will not be there just because I will be. Me loading up the girls, and driving all the way back, will not speed his re-deployment up. So I will just have to enjoy this luscious green grass, the spring thunderstorms, and time with my family for a few more weeks.

Twelve.

Twelve more weeks.

Oh, and by the way, do not be sensitive about making a comment about missing a loved one around me. I will not come back with, "Oh, really? Hmm. Try having them be half-way around the world for months at a time. Then tell me how much you miss them." That will not be a reply you get from me. My husband's decision to join the military was made before we had even met.  I knew he was a soldier the day we married. This is the lifestyle that we accepted as our duty years ago. And missing someone is missing someone. I miss my man when he is just at work for the day! It is okay to miss someone. Just don't let it consume your life. That isn't healthy.

And we all can listen to only so much...

(Yes, I am ending this post with the irony of whining, since that is all I have done today.)
(I still need a sense of humor, right?)

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If you have any questions or comments you would like to share directly with me, please email thearmymommy@gmail.com