The Hardest Part

I found out the exact time of Jay's departure yesterday. Something weird happened. I started bawling uncontrollably. Where did that come from? I haven't cried at all since I found out he was leaving. I was going to be the stoic wife. (right...)

I had known Jay has to leave for some time now.  I have been focusing on survival with just the kids and I.  Really, it isn't going to be so bad.  He spent three years in the recruiting field and was hardly home. So this won't be so different.  The only extra cog is the fact that I haven't been here long enough to develop those friendships that I know that I will rely on for the next year. I won't have my Misty, Lisa, or Jackie. That stings.

Maybe it was the loss of a companion that was breaking my heart. We are so busy with him and his work, and me with three kids and a household to run that we don't take time for ourselves, anyway.  We had date night a few weekends ago.  We just went to a noisy sports bar, then watched a movie at home. We got bored, so we went and picked the kids up three hours early.  Did we do that so we wouldn't have to have a conversation? Did we drown ourselves in noise and then the silence of watching a movie on purpose?  Maybe we just love our family and genuinely missed the kids. I really don't know. I know that I miss my husband already.

I got really sick on Sunday night. Jay had Monday off, so he got Madelyn off to school and managed Hannah for me.  To keep the kids quiet after school, Jay and the girls looked up Disney vacations. They priced Disney World and Disney Cruises.  They all came running in and jumping on the bed excited to tell me what they've been doing. They were geared up and happy.  Even though we can't afford it, and they knew it, they still spoke of the images of their dream come true with sparkles in their eyes and goofy grins on their faces. And that wasn't just Jay, the kids, too!  That is what I will miss.

I'm not worried about me or the kids for this deployment at all. I am worried about saying 'goodbye'. That is always the hardest part for me.  Peter Pan has been quoted as saying, "Never say goodbye. Goodbye means leaving, and leaving means forgetting." I don't think that will apply to us. I do hope that I can forget the 'goodbye' itself. Its so painful.

I am concerned about the conditions that Jay will be living in. In my opinion, M*A*S*H #4077 had it way better than the camp Jay will be in.  But, we shall see. It may be fun for him. He is happy to be out of recruiting and back in the 'real' Army.  I'd post pictures, but it isn't close enough to Halloween to be scaring all of you.

Yep. Goodbyes suck. But, Misty taught her daughter that you can't have hellos without goodbyes.

Very wise.

So, until the next 'hello'...